After his mission, and after getting engaged, I brought it up again-- just to make sure he remembered. This time, I told him that the depression was more serious. In fact, I had really been diagnosed with manic depression, and it always heightened the week prior to my period. I was medicated and had been diagnosed at the age of 13. He again, took my hand, and assured me that nothing could change his love for me.
About a month after we got engaged, he witnessed one of my episodes. for the first time. I tried so hard to suppress how I was feeling but couldn't hold it in. I started panicking in the car, the anxiety attack came fast, tears coming on, and I knew that I was about to spiral into a depressive episode. He carried me from the car, up to my bedroom--- dead weight, me. Bawling in his arms, shaking uncontrollably. My dad and mom sat in the living room, saw us walk in and knew immediately what was going.
I heard my dad say, "damn it Genny, she's going to ruin everything. He's going to run." My mom followed JJ up the stairs as he gently laid me on my bed.
He held my hand, and laid by my side. He told me to focus on him and to breathe slowly and that he loved me unconditionally. He stroked my hair and within minutes, I was silently laying on my side. Little did I know, my mom looked on with tears in her eyes---10 years she had been the one to calm me during my episodes, but she had been honorably replaced. She closed the door and JJ fell asleep next to me and told me he loved me and couldn't wait to be my husband.
I felt so much guilt, embarrassment, and fear--- although my dad didn't think I had heard him, I had. I was now fearful that the boy of my dreams was going to get cold feet and leave me. I just KNEW in my heart that he was thinking, "Those episodes are too hard to handle, I didn't know she was THAT sick." I waited for the worst, but he stayed.
The thing about manic depression is that it doesn't last for months, or even for weeks. You get better. Even the days when I feel like its never going to pass, it passes. EVERY. TIME.
I wish I could say this was an isolated episode and that my happily ever after was blissful and I was never depressed again, nor did I need to continue taking my medication. But, this would be like telling a person with diabetes to ditch their insulin pump after getting married.
This is a trial I have been given, I prayed and prayed for years that Heavenly Father would just take this away from me; set me free. But, this isn't fair. This is my cross to bare, this is my lesson to learn, this is my hardship . . . and I will deal with it my entire life.
Three months after we got married, we were living in El Paso, Texas. I was very sick. I was isolated, afraid, and I had never felt so alone. JJ was gone all day, and many times he was without his phone. I called him one day, and told him he needed to come home. Instead of asking why, he told me he would be there in 30 minutes. . . he would speed as fast as he could to be by my side.
When he opened the door, he found he curled up on the floor, sobbing in sorrow. He wrapped his arms around me and he cried with me. He told me he wished that he could take it all away. He drew a bath for me (can't count the # of times he has done this), and helped me into the tub. He washed my hair, and sat beside the tub and told me how much he loved me and how lucky he was. He made us lunch and watched a movie with me in our bed. I felt guilty again, and I told him:
"You can leave me if you want to, I would understand." He then told me that he would NEVER leave me, and that his love for me only grows with each passing day.
Time after time; he has started the bubble baths, cleaned the house, massaged my feet, held my hand, held me in his arms during an episode, brushed my hair, and always. . . . he tells me he loves me and that I am his best friend.
Depression is real. Its not a joke. Its not something to be taken lightly. Its not something I should have to hide either. THIS IS REAL. This is my life.
I don't know what I would do without JJ's love. He has blessed my life in so many ways. He has saved me, he has made me better. He brings me so much joy.
I am the luckiest.
No comments:
Post a Comment