background:
I met Jared Jordan in high school, we were both juniors. Our high schools were not in the same division, but they were a short driving distance away from one another. It was basketball season, my team had just won the district championship and so, about seven of us, went to Applebee's to celebrate. We were giggly, slightly obnoxious, and overjoyed about our win, so the night was ours for the taking. Soon after sitting down and looking over the menu, we notice the Vallivue boys basketball team walk in. Well, their team was known for having some cuties-- especially a certain boy named JJ. I had heard his name often because one of my teammates (who wasn't there that night) had a HUGE crush on him and would bring him up at practice occasionally. JJ was an amazing athlete, , , , and I mean, hii, just look at him. Like really???
Long story short, feeling more confident than usual, we all wrote our names and numbers down on a napkin and had our waitress deliver it over to the table. Next thing we know, three guys are coming over to our table and asking us what our names were. I was the only one that got a text that night. AND IT WASN'T FROM JJ. . . it was from another kid who, around midnight, in the middle of our conversation-- asked me to "send a picture", I replied with, "Didn't you just see me?" and he said, "lol, yeah but you know." I sent him the most MODEST SUNDAY DRESSED picture of me at my grandpa and grandma's farm, with me holding a baby in my arms. And that was the end of that. Little did I know, my future husband had not text me because this other dingbat had called "dibs".
Fast forward. . . . almost two years. I get this random text message, "Is this Genny from the Middleton girl's basketball team?" Yeah, slightly creepy. But it was the text that literally changed my life. I was smitten from day 1.
We dated, broke up, then got back together two months before he left on his mission.
I was absolutely heartbroken having to say goodbye to him for 2 long years, after he had stolen my heart so abruptly. He promised me it would be worth it, and I believed him wholeheartedly. With a few bumps along the way, WE MADE IT. We were engaged 3 weeks after I saw him at the airport on the day he came home from his mission, and married 4 months later.
We were and still are the happiest couple, he is my best friend in the whole world. And life is so beautiful with him.
But what about the other boy? You know, the one still growing inside of me. Let me tell you about that boy.
In the Fall of 2014, I received a prompting that it was time to start trying for a family. I printed out conference talks about "family", at work, highlighted key points, and went to the temple, talked to my married friends about how they made it through college with kids. When I approached JJ about it, he just basically said he wasn't ready. That he would be okay if it happened, but wasn't sure he wanted to start trying so soon. I was a little hurt, but knew that it would be a wiser choice to WAIT until at least one of us was graduated. I would be finished with college the following July and I knew I could wait until then. . . so I pushed the thought aside. A few short months later, JJ signed with the College of Idaho to play football, and so we had this "ah-ha" moment of like, "yeah, no. we aren't ready." After he signed, my heart was both happy and also very, very, sad. I knew that JJ and I would have to be apart for a few months during the summer while I finished school and he started training for football with his team-- morning lifts, workouts, conditioning, football camp, etc. The thought ate at me for weeks until I thought I had accepted the fact that he would be leaving; after all, I still had 12 weeks with him.
Sure enough, June 1st came and I watched JJ pack up all of his things and drive away in his truck. I didn't understand how much this would affect me. We had gotten a kitty cat a few months before, and I knew she would bring me comfort but HELLO, nothing replaces your sweetheart. I was in the trenches of school, boy was it hard. I was used to having JJ there to support me and help me through it, and now he was gone and I panicked thinking, "I can't possibly do this without him."'
I hid my feelings for awhile, and we saw each other on the weekends, but every time he left. . . . I literally felt sick. A little background about me: I struggle with depression (surprise!--a lot more common than you would think) and severe anxiety. Every since I was a little girl, I have battled with separation anxiety. My parents would go on trips and when they would get back, I would be so mad at them, I wouldn't speak to them---even though I had missed them and cried every day, I WAS FIVE. Who gives their parents the silent treatment at 5 years old? I was slipping into a daze of depression and anxiety and medication was not working. I needed my husband but how could I possibly tell him that? He had, for the past year, let me live out my dream of becoming a certified teacher--he had given me wings to fly so how could I tell him that I needed him? It was selfish.
Then one day, I snapped. I had a really hard day at school--some concepts in one of my classes, I just wasn't fully grasping. I also needed to change the oil in my car. Thanks to my anxiety, I sometimes get shy in social settings or get really embarrassed easily; the idea of getting my oil changed, by myself, and risking looking stupid terrified me. I couldn't find the place my husband told me to go to and then I went in the wrong entrance and it gave me a full on anxiety attack. I went home, cried on my bed, and felt very low. The lowest of lows, in fact. I called my mom crying to try and explain to her how I was feeling, and (bless her heart, she didn't mean to hurt my feelings) said, "Genny, what is so hard about getting your oil changed?" It wasn't the oil change that pushed me over the edge, it was a mix of EVERYHING. That's when I full-on lost it. Next thing I remember, I was on the phone with 911 giving a detailed list of pills I had taken, and I awoke up to paramedics rushing me to the hospital in an ambulance. What had I done? This was all so foreign to me: I was a social, lovable, witty, giggly, active, girl. What had become of me? What was JJ going to think when he found out? Was I going to die? I quickly slipped into a deep sleep and don't remember anything about the hospital. I just remember (TMI, sorry) that I was on my period and I woke up one time extremely embarrassed that they had stripped me down into a hospital gown and.... yeah.
I was still on my mom's cellphone plan and she was notified that 911 had been dialed off of my phone. The officer somehow (can't remember how) got the number to my husband and my mom and called both of them to tell them what happened. My poor husband was in shock, dismay, felt guilt, and drove as fast as he could to be with me. He told me it was the scariest moment of his life to receive that phone call and that he was the saddest he had ever been in his life, by far. He still tears up at the mention of it. I was out for about three days, those days are a blur, I don't remember much. I just remember being very out of it and throwing up a lot.
WHY am I telling you this? Because it's relevant, I promise you. Now more than ever, I needed my Savior Jesus Christ---even though my testimony felt shaken. I relied a lot on prayers of others, being with my family, and I took a week off of school to regroup. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me for my professors to be so kind and understanding to me.
I realized that I had taken the pills as a form of "numbing" or a way to tell people close to me, "please help me, I am not well." I didn't want to die; I had a beautiful life. Some of you may be shocked, some of you may be thinking, "No, not her." But really, I was very sick. In fact, I was sick even after I had this experience. My family members took shifts taking care of me in Rexburg; I was never alone. That was the agreement my mom had made with the hospital, instead of having me admitted into the mental unit for further evaluation. My mom knew that this was out of my character-- I am so happy that she made that call.
As I continued to struggle, I was afraid that I would relapse or that I would fail my classes. I continued to be depressed but this time I was more open about it. Everyone around me wanted to help. I had bad thoughts come to my head and I tried to push them out. This lasted for about two weeks (girls, are you catching on to the timeline here. . . ). . . and then I came home for a weekend and JJ and I had such a fun time. We camped in my parents backyard, went swimming, went on a bike ride, rode around downtown Boise. I remember thinking, "Genny, you're back. This is YOU." I sighed with relief. I'm back, I'm really back. I was smiling and happy again,. JJ took this picture of me and I remember saying, "that's a REAL smile."
After that day, I tackled my loads of homework and I was on fire again. I was going back to class, I was meeting deadlines, I was teaching with the passion and fire I had before, I was praying to Heavenly Father. Then four days later. . . . I nearly pass out at school (summer school--teaching third graders), and threw up like four times in the bathroom. "Must still be having the after-effects of the meds I took, it doesn't feel like the flu. But wait, I took the pills like 3 weeks ago. They're long gone from my system." I went home early that day, and pushed all the thoughts aside. I finished teaching summer school that week and now only had a few projects to focus on.
Since I was doing better, my family members weren't visiting as often, I was seeing a counselor on campus and talking to JJ on the phone as much as possible. One particular time, I was at the grocery store (this was now 3 days before graduation), and we were chatting. I casually said, "Hey, you know what. . . I'm 10 days late on my period." I expected silence or panic from the other end, but he replied with "Well, you're at the store, grab a pregnancy test." I was embarrassed and didn't want to buy one, risking possibly having someone I know see me. But reluctantly, I bought a test, thinking, "Nah, I'm not pregnant. There's no way." I promised him I would take the test in the morning, but I also told him I wouldn't tell him if I was pregnant until I was with him in PERSON and AFTER my graduation; I didn't want to stress myself out.
The next morning, I woke up and took the test. I didn't even look at the little windows, I went off to do something else. I came back and. . . "WHAT THE HECK!!!!" Sure enough, I was pregnant. I was in disbelief, what? how? I smiled to myself, thinking, "Lord, you planned this. This was all part of your plan. This was how you sealed the deal and concreted that I would be surely happy again and not try to waste this beautiful life away." A tear rolled down my face and I looked up and smiled, "I'm going to be a mother. My life has purpose. It's not about me anymore. It's about MY boys." (yep, I knew right away it was a boy. I knew it). I felt peace and assurance that NOW, more than ever, was the right time for me to be a mommy. I was elated, nervous, and overwhelmed with gratitude. I was already in love with this small little jelly bean.
I took two tests just to be sure, and then called JJ. Hmmm.... this would explain the fatigue and nausea.
He answered the phone, totally clueless, his usual chatty self. He was telling me a story, when I said, "Can we facetime?" He said, "Yeah sure." As soon as I saw his face, I just blurted out, "HONEY I AM PREGNANT!!!!" He just stared at me, and said, "Are you sure?"
We both just smiled at each other, and couldn't believe it, honestly. We had planned to start trying in August of 2016-- but we understood that this was a BLESSING and that having a baby would bring us both such joy and peace. This was the Lord's plan all along.
We decided to tell my parents on my graduation day. I told my mom first, just me and her. She started crying, she too understood the happiness this would bring into my life and the wholeness it would provide me with.
So now, here I am. 4 weeks left to go. I've had a really rough pregnancy but I know that this is also part of the plan. Motherhood isn't a joke, its not easy, and I understand that more than ever.
I love my little son, and I can't wait to teach him and support him and watch him grow. What a journey it has been, , , and its all BECAUSE of my boys.
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