WHY the heck is a happily married woman deciding to write a blog post about break-ups? Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones talking, or the insomnia at 2 AM but hear me out because this post is important and someone needs it. Yes, YOU need it. The girl who still thinks about her ex-boyfriend occasionally and wonders, "Why wasn't I good enough? What did I do wrong? Why didn't he stay with me? Why wasn't I the one" I used to be THAT girl... Obsessing about being "dumped"; I used to think that I wasn't good enough.Not good enough for ANYONE. So sit back, read this entry, and hopefully you can click out of my blog tonight with a sense of relief and confidence and a new-found smile because listen....
YOU. WERE. ENOUGH. Scratch that, you ARE enough.
My mom once told me that everyone needs to be dumped at least once in their life in order to experience true, heart-wrenching rejection and thus be able to love another so wholeheartedly that you never take the relationship for granted. I shook my head at her, I cried, I hit my hand on the table, and I said, "Mom, what do you know about heartbreak?" In the most patient, loving voice, she could muster. . . . she proceeded to tell me a story that made the hairs on my neck raise up, my eyes softened, and I felt an intense amount of love for my mom. She really did understand me.
Grateful for my mom's bravery and courage in telling her experience, I still wondered, " But do you have to go through such excruciating pain in order to get there?" No, I'm not talking about your boyfriend from 7th grade who you wrote notes to in 6th period and hung out at the football games with. (SIDENOTE: if you're dwelling on a relationship that lasted less than a month, and occurred in middle school-- this post probably isn't for you. Sorry, I'm not being mean. Well kind of, but again, I mean well)
I'm talking about true, 100% honest heartbreak. Maybe it was your first love who went away to college and long distance proved harder than planned; maybe it was a fiancé who you dreamed of spending forever with, only to find yourself ringless and still in love with your runaway groom; maybe it was the boy you loved for 11 years and finally had the courage to express your feelings to and they told you that you were too late. Whatever it be, it was never about YOU.
I've seen so many of my friends (and myself) go through heartbreak after heartbreak. And even if it seem as though they are mad as a hornet, deep down I know they are thinking, "but where did I go wrong? Why am I not good enough for him?"
Recognize this guy?
Oh yeah, it's my husband circa 2010; just a few months before I met him. (I'm going to be so in trouble for this, but here it goes) JJ was the FIRST guy to ever break my heart. In his white Altima, on a cold Fall night (nearly six years ago), in front of the Kerr Hall girls' dorms. . . . He dumped me. This was not a light "dumping", because a week or so prior to this I had told him I was falling in love with him; which as you know, is the most vulnerable situation you can put yourself in. I had been fooled by a boy(note that I said boy, not man-- not at this point in our story) with the prettiest brown eyes, the best jawline, and the most charming personalty. That night, he told me he liked me but he was still in love with his high school girlfriend. I couldn't say I was shocked, but I was hurt. I left the car, my heart on the concrete, and I cried. I cried hard. I walked, alone, all the way uphill to the temple and sat on the curb and asked the Lord, "why? why doesn't he want me?"
Fast forward about 11 months:
Homeboy was back in my life, this time I was more hesitant. Constantly, I told him to leave me alone and focus on his mission and that I still had feelings for him but the ship had sailed. He wouldn't give up, and long story short-- we are married now. And all is happiness and I'm so in love with him.
We talked about the break-up a few times before getting back together, when we were a couple again, and even a little after his mission; I told him he had made me so insecure and I felt like I could never be good enough. I flat out asked him, "why did you break up with me?" (it felt good to be able to ask this question) He told me:
1. It wasn't you, I wasn't happy where I was in life.
2. I went back to what I thought was "comfortable". I went back to what I thought would make everyone happy.
3. I didn't allow myself to see you like I see you now.
4. I didn't think I was good enough for you, so I settled.
5. The timing wasn't right, I needed to prepare for my mission and I needed to be worthy of YOU.
Now, you have to know my husband. He is VERY honest (almost too honest) and he wouldn't say this to me unless he was being genuine. I finally accepted the fact that it was never about me.
He isn't the only guy who has broken my heart, sadly. But we won't delve into that because the Internet is scary and who knows who actually reads my b l o g? Plus, none of those heartbreaks matter to me anymore, you learn to block out memories and move forward.
There will come a time where, you too, will be able to block out the memories. You'll be able to look back and pick up on the red flags and think, "Sooo that's when it all started..." It may take your REAL LIFE Prince Charming (or maybe just the next relationship you commit to) to make you fully understand that you were enough. Unfortunately, people change-- sometimes change is good. Change is what helps us to continue to grow and learn. But the error occurs when a couple grows in separate directions, that's what messes everything up.
I have a really good friend. In my eyes, she's the WHOLE package; she's an RM, she's adorable, holds down a job AND goes to dental hygiene school, she's beautiful. . , and she's in Provo, Utah which is supposed to be like THEE destination place for dating. Yet, she's shockingly single.
Of course it hurts. It hurts when you're not getting asked out, but your roommates are and you wonder, "WHAT THE CRAP IS WRONG WITH ME?" Again, nothing is wrong with you. Maybe it's the timing, maybe you're supposed to be working on YOU right now, maybe your husband is in Africa working at an orphanage on a study abroad trip. We just don't know. I mean, look at my situation-- this immature boy suddenly turned into a mature man and came waltzing back into my life. I was hell-bent on never even giving him the time of day. When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see yourself brushing your hair and putting on your makeup-- you don't see the way you look when you laugh or your facial expressions when you're surprised, happy, or you witness something that touches your soul. You're too hard on yourself. You don't see yourself like the world sees you.
IT WILL ALL WORK OUT. BE PATIENT. KEEP DOIN' YOU. HOLD YOUR HEAD HIGH. YOUR HAPPILY EVER AFTER WILL BE HERE BEFORE YOU KNOW IT.
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