What society tricked me into thinking...

thigh gaps
skinny legs
six pack
zero cellulite
long hair
blonde highlights
bleached teeth
tan skin
tons of dates

At 8 months pregnant, it's a wake up call to put on weight and then face yourself in the mirror every morning. I thought I was safe from the image society claims is desirable. I thought being pregnant meant that having a "bump" was ok-- in fact, beautiful. But here I am, scrolling through Instagram, when I see pictures of pregnant women who "are all baby". Meanwhile, my hips and thighs have expanded and my bum is about 3x as big. I get depressed, I want to throw my phone, my eyes tear up. . Why can't I look like Amber Fillerup?

All my life, I've compared myself to others. ALL MY LIFE. You would think that the approval of my sweet husband about my body would diminish the comparisons and help me feel more confident about what I looked like. But, constantly, I see pretty skinny girls and think-- "wow, I wish I looked like her." I was in the best shape of my life about three years ago. I was doing Crossfit workouts and playing basketball for hours upon hours every day. I went tanning, I dyed my hair, and still wondered why I didn't get asked out on dates as frequent as some of my friends and roommates. I would stand in front of the mirror before showering, even after working out for three hours, and I would punch the "fat" on my flat stomach. I would nearly gag in disgust at how "gigantic" my thighs were. Anytime that I got invited to swim, I would politely decline. I wanted to be a certain weight, that for my height, build, and condition of my knees was literally unattainable. I dated a guy who told me "if you would just lay off the sweets more..." Or, "you have no self control when it comes to junk food, that's why you can't lose the weight"... Or my personal favorite, "I'll give my wife six months to lose the baby weight..." For months and months, even now, I was scarred my those simple phrases he so easily threw at me. Because I felt like I wasn't enough, I didn't fit the mold, so how could I ever be enough for my husband?

Society tells us women how to look the part, how to win the hearts of guys and be envied by women who can't succeed in their goals. We are told how to look in a bikini, how to walk in high heels, how to get the perfect arms. Well, guess what. It's bullshit. All of it.

I'm 5"9, I have a butt, I have thighs.. And through years and years of being athletic and playing sports THAT DOESNT CHANGE. It's in my genetics. So what do I do? Starve myself? It's not in the cards for me. I'm never going to weight 120 and suddenly shrink to 5 foot 2. I'm never going to look like my gorgeous sister in law who trains for marathons. It's the reality of life. I'm sick of society telling me to look this way or that way, it's caused me way too many hours of heartache. It may take me a year to lose my "baby weight"-- do you think the woman who went through 6 years of infertility would give up the hopes of carrying a sweet baby just because it takes longer than 6 months to lose the weight she gained during her pregnancy? No way. How ungrateful have I been?


I have NEVER been confident about my body. My whole life I've wanted to look like a model, be able to wear a swimsuit to the beach without feeling ugly. Im tired of feeling like I have to wear shorts over my swim bottoms to cover my thighs and hide how big my I think my butt is.

It's time for me to let go. To move on. And to realize that society has lied to me for years. It's time to appreciate the body I have been given.