Hi guys, so as most of you know. . . . I'm 35 weeks pregnant. And to be honest, its been HELL. I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I'm sorry to disappoint many of you. If you don't like a good drama queen rant. . . stop reading here. This is my place to vent, so instead of posting a pity filled status update on FB, here I am.
First 16 weeks, I was throwing up every day. Morning sickness is not joke, just kidding, it is. Because guess what? Morning sickness MEANS ALL DAY SICKNESS. The only thing I seemed to keep down was 1. refried bean burritos 2. cold apples 3. water 4. gatorade. Well, we made it out of the first trimester alive, but freak was it hard.
Then we had a solid two months where the only discomfort I experienced was an occasional hip pain at night. Totally doable.
Now for the last month, I'm passing out multiple times a day which means I need a babysitter 24/7, I'm at fall risk, and basically on bed rest. I'm trying to stay positive but its real scary. The more I try to fight the fainting, the worse it is. For example, today, I had a bunch of things I wanted to get done and I couldn't get through all of it. With batteries in tote for my Baby's little swing, and going up and down a flight of stairs with a smile on my face. . . I started to feel it coming on. The blurred vision, the nausea, the seeing dots, the weak legs. . . I looked at my husband while I was on the top of the stairs and said, "Oh Shi*", yes I cussed. . . no, I'm not perfect. I then said over and over again, "I don't feel good. I don't feel good." with tears welling up in my eyes. Before I knew it, he was holding me under the armpits and trying to get me to the bed before I collapsed. I curled up in a ball and tried to fight it with all my might. . . which ended with a panic attack. I wasn't passed out, instead I was having a hard time breathing, I scratched at my husband's arm. . . I moved my legs around violently; anything I could possibly do to suck in air and breathe again. My chest and lungs felt like they had diminished and all of the sudden I was 3 years old in the deep end of a swimming pool and couldn't swim. As always, the anxiety attack came to an end, even though in my head I was sure it would never go away.
I hate this. Pregnancy is not my favorite thing in the world... I am grateful for the blessing of being able to carry a child and I'll love him with my whole heart when he gets here, but for now. . . its the worst thing I've ever experienced. Pregnancy is hard, its not all rainbows and butterflies. My butt is as big as a bus and I feel ugly and lethargic. Sometimes I just cry because I feel guilty, and I feel like a failure. I tell my husband that maybe having three more pregnancies after this isn't such a good idea, but he is set on having 4 kids and doesn't understand why I can't just tough through it.
I'm fragile today, its been hard. That's all I've got for the blog today.
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