How does someone so small, hold my heart so tightly? {Letters from mommy to baby boy}

Over the past few months, I've written a series of letters for Carter to read someday. If he doesn't appreciate it, at least his wife will. At my baby shower, JJ's mom gave me a teddy bear that was given to him as a newborn and it was so precious--it truly touched my heart. I hope that Carter's wife is as big of a softie as I am and will love looking at these letters someday. They have been such a comfort to me, and have almost been like a journal.
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For my son:

I've been dreaming about you since I can remember;

 Wondering what you'll look like,  imagining our first December together.

Daddy and I talk about family traditions, I get scared about future prom dates and if you'll ever break a bone;

When I first found out about you, I was so excited-- I couldn't wait, I told daddy over the phone.

Daddy was playing football, and mommy was about to graduate from college, I was so excited.  His # I quickly dialed.

Your daddy's face lit up, and for the next several moments.. We said nothing, just smiled.

Pregnancy was hard at first, I was sick all the time. I cried a lot and daddy patted my back;

But an ultrasound and seeing your little body, put me right back on the happy track.

The sickness went away, and a little bump began to show.

 Daddy broke his leg in a game; Tests, Surgery, AND we found out you were a little boy, all the same day.

Carter, we already love you so much. Your name is very special, just wait until you meet Uncle Mckay.

We wish you were coming today! But we will be patient and wait;

I promise we will try our hardest to be our very best. This is all very new to us; this extraordinary quest.

We are nervous, but mostly really happy. You came at a time when mommy needed you most. We can't wait to see who you become.

Already half way there. Thank you for choosing us, son.

We LOVE you,
Mommy and Daddy
{November 1, 2015}

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Dearest Carter,

You are such an active little guy. We are over half way now (22 weeks, 4 days); it is the week before Thanksgiving. I can't wait to have you here in my arms and to celebrate the holidays with you in the future. I constantly feel you moving around. You move around a lot when I put my seatbelt on or when I lay on my right side, both of those things seem to make you a little grumpy. The other night I woke up screaming because I had a nightmare that I left you in a hot car in the desert, and I had another nightmare that I didn't feed you for two weeks; daddy told me that will never happen. I just want to be the perfect mommy for you. I'm horrible at taking my prenatal vitamins but I try to eat really healthy! I'm so happy we are having a baby boy, your daddy is especially happy-- he says he can't wait to hold you on his chest and make you smile! You already bring so much joy to our lives. We wonder what you'll look like, daddy and I both had really light brown hair when we were little but it got darker as time passed-- maybe that's how you'll be too! Aunt Julie is so thrilled for you to be here, she sends me sweet texts about the outfits she's going to buy you. I can't wait until you're here!

Love,

Mommy

{November 16, 2015}

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My sweet son,

Daddy and I are at the hospital right now, he is getting an X-Ray on his leg. We hope he will be walking in just a couple of weeks! Before Dad went in for his X-Ray, I told him that you are currently playing the drums inside my tummy. You are so active, little man! You love to dance and shake and be silly already. I can't wait to teach you how to dribble a basketball. I get so nervous sometimes, thinking about having to leave you in daycare; I don't want to do it-- I want to stay home with you!! But daddy is in college and mommy is a teacher, and it's just a sacrifice we have to make for the future. Plus, I know Grandma Gustin is going to fall in love with you and won't want to let you out of her sight! Dad says, "I love you son, see you soon." He says you're going to be taller than he is! You're about the size of an ear of corn right now :) I love you baby Carter, more than anything in the world.

Love,

Mommy

{November 17, 2015}

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Sweet little Carter,

First of all, I just want to tell you that mommy loves you so much. I love feeling you move inside of me-- I already feel so close to my baby boy.

I have been crying a lot today because I am sad. I interviewed for a teaching job last week; Fourth grade. Mommy's "dream job". Unfortunately, even though I felt really good about the interview, I didn't get the job. I just found out today...I cried so hard, I made myself throw up-- all over grandma's car! :(

Your daddy is a sweetheart, he gave me lots of hugs and told me he was relieved that I didn't get the job because he thinks it will be hard to leave you when you are only six weeks old.. Which is true. You know, baby boy, you weren't exactly in Mommy's plans. We wanted you to be a part of our little family of course, but we weren't expecting you to come so soon.. But guess what? I'm so glad you are because you and I are going to be little buddies. I'm going to take care of you and love you with my whole heart and soul. Thanks for reminding me that Heavenly Father is in charge, not me. Love you, Carter.

Love, Mommy

[12/9/15]

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Carter,

Only 11 more weeks in Mommy's tummy, can you believe it? You have grown so much, daddy and I laugh because whenever Justin Beiber songs come on, (especially the song, "What do you mean?") you start moving around a lot: you're a little dancer. I gave daddy a statue of a little boy and a father for Christmas, he loves it; we also got an outfit for you to wear home from the hospital! You are my little man, I worry about you every day. I'm so excited to meet you and be your mother. Thanks for being so sweet, I love our bond and the fact that I can feel you kick and move every single day. I love you, son.

Mommy

{12/18/15}

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Baby Son,

It's 2 AM and I just got done eating a chilled apple with extra crunchy peanut butter. Mommy loves anything crunchy these days! My favorites are jack in the box tacos and ice. Ice is Mommy's biggest craving. I used to be so skinny... Not so much anymore, but that's okay. :)

You have definitely moved positions in my tummy and my head doesn't know how to handle it. In fact, I had to quit my job teaching Kindergarten due to being lightheaded and passing out. I cry a lot and it's definitely scary but I know you're worth it, Carter. I'm going to love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything else (besides daddy) in my entire life. You're a dream come true. The tears and pain will all be worth it.

I love you little buddy,

Love, momma

{1/21/16}

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Carter,

Today we had a baby shower all for YOU. We scored some awesome gifts, mommy is so excited to dress you in your little outfits. Daddy is a football star and mom loves basketball, so most of your little outfits are sports related. I don't know what your dad will do if you don't like football. Just kidding baby, you be whoever you want to be. You already mean the world to us. You kick SO MUCH! It's crazy to see how active you are. 7 more weeks until you're in my arms.

Love,

Mama

[1/30/16]

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Dearest baby boy,

Today is my birthday. I am 24 years old, and next month I will become your mother. I started out my birthday looking through an old box of photos from when I was born. Emotion overcame me as I reflected on the love I have for my own mother, she is my best friend in the entire world. I never truly understood how much she truly loved me, I've always known that I was loved by her, but I never comprehended the gravity of that love. This pregnancy has been hard, from throwing up with morning sickness to now the fainting spells-- I have been disheartened. I have wanted you to come now, now, now.. Instead of fully appreciating the small miracle within me. I know that when we meet, just a few weeks from now, I will feel love that I have never experienced before in my entire life. Every night, daddy laughs as I go into the bedroom where all your little things are and take our your clothes and blankets and smile and refold them again. I'm so excited to me your mommy, I love you son. I hope that I can be the best example to you and raise you in a home centered around the gospel. I want you to grow to me the best person you can be, I want you to serve a mission, go to college and marry a worthy LDS woman in the temple. I want all these things for you because I know these are the keys to bringing everlasting happiness. See you soon, baby boy. Thanks for making me a mother.

Love, Mommy

[2/12/2016]

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Baby son,

We are so close now. Today, I am 36 weeks, 2 days. I could basically have you NEXT week, and you would be fine. 37 weeks is considered full-term. My body feels different. I waddle like a duck now, which means you have most likely dropped. We can hardly wait to meet you, sweetheart. I was so lost when I found out I was pregnant with you, you found me. I sit in the room where all your things are for hours and smile at all your little clothes and blankets. I imagine I'm rocking you in the rocking chair for your nursery. Mommy is beyond excited to kiss her little man. Daddy is excited too, he has your crib painted and is working on painting your changing table. He also helped me to pick out some decorations for your nursery. You and daddy are going to be best friends, he makes me laugh so hard every day; he has given me such joy. We are a little scared to go from a family of two to a family of three but we are more excited than anything. Daddy works so hard; he is going to school full-time, working as a manager for DishOne TV, and is also training for football. I love his dedication and hard work and I know you're proud of him too. We can't wait to take you to all the football games. We love you son, and we want to give you the bets life possible. See you in a couple weeks.

Love,

Mom and Dad

{2/23/2016}