Sometimes...I'm not so tough.

This isn't easy. Yet, its not the hardest thing I've ever gone through either.
I'm positive. I'm strong. 90% of the time.
I'm positive to my friends. I'm positive to my family. I'm especially positive to JJ. But sometimes, I'm not so tough. and I'm not so strong.

Six of my friends got engaged last semester. I have a collage of wedding announcements. Of course I feel a little bit jealous, why wouldn't I? But today, I read something that really helped me look at the whole picture..
"Its not your turn. Its not your time."
I write him every week, and tell him about my life. I tell him I'm happy and busy. I add scriptures and pictures.
I miss him more than I can express, but I don't tell him. I run to the mailbox every day, without fail. Usually the mailbox is empty of Elder Hyde letters...but when one comes, I SCREAM..without fail, sprint into the house..and immediately open it. I read it as fast as I can, and then regret it soon after...without fail. I re-read it over and over again until the next letter comes.

My parents and family constantly remind me, "two years goes by so fast." "You're only twenty. Live life for you. Just take these two years to really grow and do what you want." Uh, okay..thanks. Two years goes by fast...FOR YOU..for me, it feels like it really does take forever.(I'm being a drama queen right now.) and live life for me? I'm busting my buns off in college(doing what I LOVE..). 18 credits next semester..social life? nope.(I don't even want to date. So, what am I missing out on?)

Here's the thing folks. I have friends who have missionaries. Some of them date and have other boyfriends while they're "true love" is off on their mission, some are engaged (um, WHAT the heck..), some don't date, some go and teach English in foreign countries, some go study abroad in Europe, some go to BYU-Hawaii for a semester, some go to hair school.

What do I get to do? I'm talking to academic advisers figuring out plans on how I can get done with school and have my degree as soon as possible. Do you know what that means? hours and hours of class work. 18+ credits per semester. Alright, fine. I can do it. Luckily, I have enough of my mother in me to do this. (no offense, dad.) And to be fair, I will be thankful I did this in the long run..but, its no easy task.

This keeps me very busy, yes. But...I still miss HIM. Letters help, oh boy do they help! I don't know what I would do if I couldn't communicate with him via letters. He is an obedient missionary, so we don't email. As weird as this sounds, I'm THANKFUL for this. I love getting the family e-mail every week. And I think that if he was emailing me, that would be a distraction to both of us--besides, it makes letters so much better.

Pet Peeves:
Waiter-haters. (I don't have the best track record with "waiting". So obviously "Haters gon hate" Watch me prove you wrong. Just watch. :) )
Girls who complain about being away from their boyfriend for the weekend. OH PLEASE.
Boys who ask me out on dates. Look at my facebook. I'm not interested in you. Don't ask me out. Especially in front of my ward. at an fhe activity.

Let me explain #3.
I got asked out on a date. My first SINGLE date since JJ has been gone.
How did this kid ask me? Well, in front of EVERYONE is what. We were all at FHE at my singles' ward..when out of the blue, in front of his mom and dad(who is in the bishopric) and 86% of our ward.."Genny, what do you have going on Wednesday night?" (I panicked. I'm a horrible liar.) "oh..well, nothing." "Well, now you do. I would like to take you out on a date." (All eyes on me. my face turns bright red. I was stunned. I thought to myself, seriously?) Then, he asks for my number. I honestly considered lying and giving him a fake number. Oh, there's his dad. Giving me the face. The face that says, "Please give my son a chance." The-We're- sick -of -him- leaving- all- his- crap- around- the- house-and- living- in- our- basement. He- needs- to- find- a -wife-..he's- been -off- of- his- mission- an -entire- MONTH-..kind of face. I politely accepted his invitation, but inside I was screaming NO NO NO NO NO!!

Wednesday rolled around, and I remembered that my favorite PIYO class was that night. I text the boy and told him that something came up and I couldn't go out. I thought that might scare him away..but then he said he could do Thursday night so we rescheduled. I said, "are you sure you want to take me out? Is there someone else you would rather take?" He replied (immediately, by the way), "I'm not trying to make a move on you. Its not that kind of date. I just want a friend. I know you have a boyfriend, just dont go falling in love with me." (ugh, why did you ask me out then? and falling in love? stop.) "haha, okay good. Glad you know that I have a boyfriend, and that you and I can be friends! I like having friends (that was weird to say..), haha and don't you worry about that--I'm already in love and extremely set on a certain guy ;)"

The date was fun. It was actually really fun. We went to Tucanos. And I acted like I was extremely happy to be there. I laughed at his jokes. I asked him questions. We talked. But when dinner was over, I was relieved to finally be going home. But nope, he wanted to do something crazy fun. Ugh. We went to Wal-mart and bought kites and glow sticks. We went and flew the kites with the glow stick solution allll over them, in a field behind his house. It was fun, really fun. But when I was in my house, I was relived. Now that I think about it, I didn't even give him a hug goodbye ha! and there wont be a second date...but that's okay! That is more than okay. And, I don't think he expected a second date. But in the car, I told him that this was the first single and also first official date I had been on since JJ left...and he said, "I figured that. I think most guys are very intimidated by you. Its all about the way you act. Guys can tell you have a boyfriend."
:)

Anyway, I'm sorry I've been so whiny. Its time to close this post. Its already a little bit too long. I think the date just made me really miss him. Tonight was hard. When I got home...I got "JJ-sick" (as I call it.) I re-read his letters, listened to the voicemails I have saved, and looked at pictures of us. I almost felt guilty for going on a date, even though I know I shouldn't.. but, I just wish that date could've been with him, you know?
20 more months.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I WILL DO THIS..

Elder Hyde's excellent envelope decor

I'm still winning though :)

I love you Jared Jordan. I'm having fun, I promise. Sometimes I miss the HECK out of you, but I'm being strong. I know this is worth it. Don't go changing your mind about me. Remember our summer together. Remember why we love each other. And remember the time we prayed together before I went off to school... Don't forget about me. Don't ever question my love for you. "Game time." :) You are the best, in so many way..

P.S. I'm transferring to BSU next January or possibly even this September. I've been praying about it..and this feels right. Hey, there's something exciting..:)