I'm going to write again.

There was a time when writing was therapeutic for me, and I would like to continue it again after several years of a hiatus. Sometimes I write on social media and it's usually quickly followed by some sort of crash out after feeling embarrassed for getting vulnerable. Somehow this feels safer??? **Also, I should note that I deleted my Instagram again for like the fifth time. ** No babe, it's not mania: its lack of self esteem! SO on brand for me! .... but alas, the show must go on. 

One thing on my mind, as I dissociated the whole drive home from my new job today, is simply this: 

I applied to one college my senior year of high school. While most girls my age were joining sororities, choosing careers, or shopping for outfits to wear to the football homecoming game at their university, I was taking a marriage prep class and turning in by midnight for curfew. I got married a month after my 22nd birthday, I had two kids before I turned 26. There was a time where I started looking back at my twenties and feeling bitter; like I didn't get the experiences that I now see as "normal" for most young people in their twenties. I started feeling like I missed out on the "prime years of my life"... until I realized that was bullshit. I get to figure out who I am. Nobody or no thing has taken that opportunity away from me. Fortunately, we all get to choose and find our own happiness. Whenever a chapter closes for me, I leave claw marks in all the things I love, because it's hard for me to let go of them. I am slowly and painfully learning that those past versions of me I keep trying to revisit no longer exist. And I'm giving myself permission to be okay with that. Who the hell cares that I accepted not one but two jobs within the span of a month before leaving both of them after realizing--again-- I was desperately trying to fit myself into a tiny teensy little box that no longer served me. I don't want to be a personal trainer anymore. THERE I SAID IT. It was making me undoubtedly miserable. Because listen, I just.... I don't want to obsess about having a six pack or how much protein I'm consuming daily, I don't want my body to serve as a walking billboard for obtaining and retaining clients. I was also just kind of a shitty person when I was in the prime of my personal training career and lowkey it traumatized me and several other people involved. So, with all this being said, I have stuff to say and I'm going to start saying it. & if you don't like it, that's your opinion and also none of my business ;)

Back to blogspot, the safe space it once was for me.