Change of Plans. . .

Don't stress, I am still in love with Jared Jordan.
13 months down, 11 more to go.  . . .still going strong.

I had plans to transfer to a university closer to home, but the Lord had different plans for me.

The last month or so, I just started to feel really burdened about my decision to transfer. . .

First of all, the university is double the tuition than the school I am currently attending.

Also, I think that I was transferring for the wrong reasons--I wasn't doing it for myself.

This semester really made me realize how much I truly love my school. . it is the perfect fit for me.

I have also had time to reflect on who GENNY really is; where I am in life, and where I am going.

I feel that I have grasped a better concept of what is truly important in life over these past thirteen months,

and I know that Jared has experienced those same feelings.

Somethings that were important to him before his mission, just don't give mean as much to him as they did before. . . I will just leave it at that.

We are still very in love. 

some have been curious as to why I am staying where I am at.

Did she find another guy? is she dating someone else? Does she think her and JJ wont work out?

No new boyfriend.

I have my days where I feel like two years is a long time and things could change. . . 

but then I re-read his letters and find assurance in the love that he expresses for me.

In his last letter, he even brought up marriage. . . it was brief, but he asked me, 

"Babe. . when do you think we should get married? I want to marry you as soon as we feel we are ready. . "

Sometimes, it really is nice to hear things like that--or, read things like that.

OUR LOVE IS STILL VERY ALIVE.

'

55 letters later. . . the binder is getting bigger and bigger, might be time for a new one. . . 

I had so much fun getting J's Christmas package together ;)

Gingerbread House Kit, Sour straws, an autographed football (my family signed it, lol), a 36" gummy snake, candy canes, pringles, terriyaki jerky, Christmas socks and tie, a reindeer that poos brown jelly beans hahaha--sure to be a crowd favorite ;)

Also, Momma and I sent letters in the package and pictures of me. . .

Thanksgiving break was an amazing get-away from school, and now I am back to the daily grind of school and work. . . 

only 26 days until Christmas skype with my baby. Best Christmas present in the world.

The accident.

Last night, was probably the scariest night of my life. . . .thus far.
I experienced my first car wreck, and I hope it is my last.

I picked my best friend/ roommate up from the library at 6:30--it was lightly snowing and already dark outside. I remember thinking maybe we shouldn't go to FHE tonight, the roads are probably going to be bad. . . . .
But, Jess and I, being poor college students and STARVING--were excited thinking about dinner at the Bishop's house for Family Home Evening. The kicker was that his house was 25 minutes away..

We arrived with no problem. The roads weren't slick whatsoever, and it had stopped snowing.
As we were on our way to Bishop's, we passed by Texas Roadhouse and decided we would rather have that for dinner. But, we still went to Bishop's for a spiritual thought and a snack.

Again, as we got into the car, and began to drive to Texas Roadhouse...no signs of slick roads. no snow. nothing.

After Texas Roadhouse, we got in the car. We were just laughing and talking as well usually do when we're together. . . . a song came on the radio that we loved so we blasted it as loud as my speakers would allow.
Feeling comfortable on the highway, and seeing no signs of ice...I set my cruise control on 70.

There are not many things in my life that I feel regret for. I believe that everyone can have second chances, and that we can always repent for our mistakes--regret just isn't something I often feel.

But, I will forever regret setting my cruise control on 70. on a November night. After it had been snowing.
It was insanely irresponsible, and the guilt is so burdening that I haven't been able to sleep hardly at all.

A prompting came to my mind:
Genny, slow down. 

I ignored it, and continued screaming out the lyrics and laughing with Jessicah.

Again, the prompting came.
Genny, slow down.

This time, I turned to Jessicah and said, "Hey, do you think I should slow down?"
She said, "Maybe, juts do whatever you feel comfortable with."

I am really not saying this. or trying to put on a show. this is the truth. this is real.
I pictured JJ in my head. Not in a lovey-dovey form. . . but, I saw him telling me this story that he had when he was a child. Him and his friends had been walking on train tracks when he had a prompting to get off the tracks and go home. He acted on that prompting quickly,and the boys went home. He knew something bad was about to happen if they had kept going down those tracks. In almost every letter, J has reminded me to listen to the promptings of the Spirit.

I immediately turned off my cruise control, and slowed to 63 mph.

Within seconds, our laughter and singing turned to screams of sheer terror.

We began to approach a bridge. It seemed as though we were almost alone on the highway.
But as most drivers know. . . .. bridges are notorious for black ice.
We came over the slope in the left lane--the passing lane--another stupid mistake on my part.
On the left shoulder, two cars were blinking their hazard lights. I had no time to react before a car in the right lane just ahead of me started swerving out of control. It quickly turned sideways into my lane. . . .

I slammed my brakes, instead of pumping them, out of panic. I hit the other car with such force that Jessicah and I were completely forced into the shoulder. Immediately, I began to cry. Our backs, and ribs were aching. My wrists felt like they were broken. Jessicah was brave though, she knew what to do. . . .while I just sat there sobbing. No one was injured. And in just a few minutes, the aching that was so heavy before began to decease. But, the car I hit was unable to move out of the middle of the road.

This is where it got extremely scary.

Because the car was unable to be moved to the shoulder, and because the black ice was so sudden--cars began spinning and swerving. . . . trying to miss this car in the middle of the highway. Six cars started hitting rails, being pushed into the shoulder, and skidding off the road before an officer arrived at the scene.

I sobbed even harder, watching these cars come hurdling toward us. . . .nearly hitting our car.

Miraculously, nobody was injured. ad 3/4 of the drivers/passengers were college students coming back from Family Home Evening.

I am not one to say, "wow that was a miracle, Heavenly Father was really watching out for me!" Because, sometimes I feel like that isn't fair to say when other people who are put in the same situation are killed or injured...because I think, "why did they get hurt, and I didnt?" if that makes sense. . . .

but last night, I really believe that Heavenly Father was protecting us all.
Had I not slowed down and stopped being irresponsible, who knows what would have happened.
That same night, my friend Aubry, rolled her car just a few miles up the road. She was also uninjured.
it turns out that 5 other girls in my relief society also spun off the road....all uninjured.

I cried until I could cry no more.

I know that because I followed the promptings of the Spirit, I was saved that night.
I am so grateful, now more than ever, that I am worthy to receive those promptings. . . and that I am living my life in a way that is pleasing unto the Lord.

In a special blessing that I received, there was one memorable thing that came to my mind just after the accident:
"Keep the commandments and you will be able to see your children grow up and accomplish important things."

I've got a lot to do before I can return to my Heavenly Father. There is a lot of improvement that needs to happen for me. I've got babies in heaven cheering me on and I honestly believe that.

I know that Elder Hyde prays for me each and every day. I know that he prays for my protection.
Its no wonder that I saw his face when I was receiving those promptings. He is my biggest fan, my #1 supporter, and the biggest example in my life. He is my hero, and I can say that with confidence..not just because of the accident, but because of the way he is obediently living his life for the Lord. He is choosing to serve with his whole heart. I am just really proud of him.

I woke up this morning, after two hours of sleep, and it felt like everything was a dream. An awful dream.

I'll tell you what, when things like that happen in your life....you really are changed.

I am seeing things so differently. Life is too short.
Why do I ever even complain about being a year away from JJ coming home?
At least I get to see him again.

Thank you Heavenly Father for protecting me. I am forever grateful.

You know you're in love when. . . .

You get excited about having to work on the weekends because it means you have an excuse not to go to parties or accept lame-o dates.

After a long 5 hour closing shift.. . . .

it was lovely to come home to a letter and the boyfriend's football shirt and Utah sweats ;)

It was the sweetest little letter.

I am rejuvenated. I can get through another week.

Letter #53 was so great.

"Since the first time we said 'I love you', I have only fallen deeper and deeper in love with you. I love you more that I loved you when I was home. I love you more because you've given me your all even though I'm not physically there with you right now.  I love you because you have taken the time to get to know my family without me there, I love you more because you always write me letter filled with inspiration and love. By the way, when you felt prompted to share with me about faith and what your Bishop said, it was exactly what I needed in that exact moment. It was an answer to my prayers, you answered..or God answered my supplications through you. I love you more because you are working so hard in school. By the way, you are amazing. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU GENNY!!!"

It makes me so happy to know that he appreciates me, and all that I am doing while he is gone.

I needed to hear this. He knows that it's not easy to "wait"..

Gah. . . . . I am so deeply in love.

I can hardly even contain how happy he makes me.

I am twitterpated. stricken. head over heels. bubbly. stars in my eyes. butterflies in my stomach. heart pounding. smile from ear to ear. . . . 

IN LOVE.

Our PERFECT song.

Though you're gone, you're still here.

In my heart, in my tears..

yeah, you sure left your mark

and we were just getting started 

it wasn't long enough together

but it was long enough

yeah, it was long enough

to last for forever. 

LISTEN.

I'm not one to complain but,

I've just gotta say. . . . this whole "missionary" thing? Yeah, its not an easy thing.
People keep saying, "well, what else are you going to do? You just have to do it."
Yes. I get that.
But while I AM doing it, there are times where I feel like time is just plateauing..staying in place. NEVER.ending.

Its not easy living across the street from someone I dated for four years and having to run into his obnoxious self every. single. place. I. go. plus, the awkward run-in with his roommates and girls he dates who know that I am THE Genny. and him calling you religiously, texting you like its going out of style...BEGGING for you to give him another chance. There are some lonely nights where I'm like maybe I should just give him...and then I snap out of it and think A SWIFT KICK TO THE FACE.

Its not easy being told over and over and over again, "you'll be married by the time he gets back." Obviously they're jolted RM's who got dumped by their girlfriends while they were serving missions..but still. My game face can only be so strong. Sometimes I just want to be like, "Even if I was available, I still wouldn't like you"
too mean?

Its not easy being tormented by this certain little click of boys in your ward who like to make fun of you for "having a missionary"...what does that even mean? "She has a missionary". He's not mine. He's not a possession  I just don't understand that phrase. "Do you have a missionary?"
I just wanna say, "Do you have an issue?" If you do, take it up with my fist.


oh and this is my favorite. . . ..
when people say, "oh. you should date. just date and have fun."

I am dating, you weirdos.

and I don't even like it, really.

it's forced. and boring. and annoying.

because it always turns out like THIS:

guywhoaskedmeonadate <  JJ

EVERY.SINGLE. TIME.

like, there isn't even an ALMOST TIE or JUST A LITTLE BIT under JJ

its always JJ, like 59 levels above those who ask me on dates.

its pathetic, really. 

but Genny, you should reallllllly consider dating other people.

You think I don't know that?

this ain't my first rodeo, people.

I know what I'm doing.

That's another thing. . . . . .

I'm going to wait for him. If I could sign right here and now I would--I would scream it from the mountain tops, or send a declaration to every person in the world, but welll...I'm not THAT dramatic. . . and, this is fine enough.

BUT, some people have this notion ingrained into their minds that I do this whole missionary thing for fun. yeah, its so much fun writing a million hand-written letters(hand cramps, duh), hearing your friends complain about not seeing their boyfriends for three days( buck up!), being a nun for 24 months...its a real blast, you should all try it.

wrong-o. not fun. So listen, If I'm willing to go through this awful ordeal once again. . . . that just goes to show how much I truly love JJ..and I'm 50000 x more devoted to him than I ever was with missionary #1. 

so, how bout them apples?

Where am I going with all of this?

I do not know. I'm just ranting. I'm a crazy ranting lunatic right now.

I just awkwardly passed by my ex at the movie theatre, we just had to walk past each other...OUT OF ALL THE PLACES HE COULD POSSIBLY BE. I just hate it. I don't hate him, per say, I just want to get the heck out of this little college town. Am I being a drama queen? completely. It's fine though. I have the license to act this way....for the next 11.5 months. 

oh. and I'm sick. and grumpy. sue me.

excuse the violence. I would never punch anyone. well. . . . . . .

Caramel apples, runny noses, and backyard obstacle courses

This weekend, I got to babysit JJ's niece and nephews;
Jackson, Kensington, and little Colton

We sure had a great time ;)

Obstacle course

Dinosaur bone diggers

Farmers

Ladybug hunters 

The many creative activities we came up with outside 

Took them to Relief society--

arent they just the CUTEST??? 

Jackson liked taking pictures, I think at this point I was like, "Okay Jack, that's enough bud."

Oh, and Colton fell and heart his little head. :/ 

Kensi sat on the counter while I was getting ready for the day--she wanted to put on "big girl" lipstick,

she was my little helper all weekend--such a sweetheart

She looks 1000000x cuter in that headband than I do. Look at that smile ;) 

Jack throwin' up the peace sign--JJ does this all the time. . . .

See what I mean? :)

We decided to make caramel apples,

my best friend and roommate Jessicah came over and helped; I LOVE HER!

Kensi is such a doll ;)

Kens making a heart on her apple--she is all girl that one is!

Jack wanted to make a Transformers apple

It only got crazy after that. . .

I turned around for one second and his whole apple was COVERED in candies 

He is so cute ;)

Jessicah and I had just as much fun making our caramel apples--

such a perfect fall activity

Little Colton

Words cannot begin to express how much I love this little man

He had a fall on Saturday and it scared me to death.

He is one of the best little babies I have ever babysat. 

I just love him to pieces.

*****************************************

All in all, (other than us and the kids being sick)

this was a fabulous weekend.

I can't wait to tell my boyfriend alllll about it. 

:) 

Remember that one time, over a year ago, when those boys kept flirting with me, and one of them even tried to kiss me? I felt guilty about it, even though it wasn't my fault... so I told you, and you said you were going to talk to them--and you got super protective?

One of the many reasons why I love you, Jared Jordan. I miss those protective arms of yours holding me tight, and I miss the way you would get so heated when anyone would hurt me or embarrass me. Sometimes, I just want to be held by you...and feel those forehead kisses and tight squeezes, my head nestled against your chest--hearing your heartbeat race. Sometimes, I want to lock my keys in my car again--just so we can sit in Little Caeser's and laugh for 20 minutes until the locksmith gets there, and then place blame on one another about whose fault it was for locking the car. Sometimes, I want to take a walk up to the temple with you in your XL Utah hoodie, clinging onto each other and kissing while we're walking. Sometimes, I want to re-live that time where you took me to Olive Garden and it took us forever to order because all we could do is look at each other across the table. Sometimes, I like to think about the night you sent me a picture of my door; you drove five hours to spend time with me, even if it was just for a couple days. Sometimes, I wish I could hear your voice--hear you say, "that's no problem" or "I love you"...to hear that laugh of yours that reeled me in on our first date. Sometimes, I would give anything just to beat you at that basketball game again--and for you to get overly-competitive and call me a "jersey chaser" and then me pretend to be slightly mad at you. Sometimes, I think about when we went 4-wheeling with my family--and it felt so natural, I felt at home, I felt eternity.

Sometimes=always

you still take my breath away.
you are still my heartthrob.
my one and only best friend.
my light.
my happiness.
my future.
my forever and always.

I will never stop loving you, and I thank the Lord every single day that He caused our paths to cross, and reunited us again when the timing was right.

You will never realize how much you mean to me.
iloveyou.



I am so in love.
head over heels.
never felt this way before.
my heart is full.
I can't get my mind off of him.



that is all.

I've been waiting to post this for..well, a year now. go figure!

Its here, y'all.
one.
year.
down.

This year has had its ups and downs.

there have been days where I felt this was all for nothing.

but most of all, there have been days that I knew and continue to know that this is worth it. 

In 52 weeks, I have received 52 letters.

I am head over heels in love. even more in love with him than I was when he left. 

with each letter, I only get to know my best friend more and more. 

365 days down.

October 25, 2011

"Well Genny Lynn Gustin..because of you I am the happiest man in the world. I am happier than I ever have been. Thinking about you is my favorite thing to do. How i got so lucky to have you fall in love with me, I do not know. you are my perfect catch. my perfect match. I bet in the pre-existence I looked at you and said to my friends, "I'm going to marry that girl when we get to earth." I love you so much. I feel like I've loved you my whole life! And it gets stronger and better each day. The way you love me is perfect and I couldn't ask or imagine anything better! How do you do it?! How do you know just what to do? I'm madly in love with you and I want the whole world to know it. Heavenly Father knows it and I am not gonna let you go. I wont allow anything to come between us. you are my life and my heart. I never want to live without you, you are truly an angel. I love you with all that I am worth. For eternity."

He is my prince charming.

He knows me better than I know myself.

He makes me a better me.

I look forward to the day he returns.

Until then, just gotta keep pushing forward. . . . .

365 days gone. love is still strong.

I am so amazed at how fast this day has come. I remember day 1 like it was yesterday. And now here I am 12 months later...

the things you are willing to do for love.

this boy has my heart. 

Q&A/Advice post.

So, recently I had some girls come to me for advice.
they asked me some good questions.
I know that there are a lot of girls waiting for missionaries that occasionally look up my blog.
SO..I thought I would share some of the questions and my answers.
Who knows..maybe it will help someone else, or maybe you will all laugh in my face and say,
"Wow this girl is a LOSER." Either way, I still like you ;)

What did you do when your first missionary came home? Did you still have feelings for him?

I dated this guy for two years before he left on his mission. We were best friends in high school. I wrote him quite frequently for about a year and three months. I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious to see him. The night that he was flying in from SLC, I was babysitting for JJ's sister. I passed the airport on my way home, and saw a flight landing..that I'm pretty sure was his. I imagined his family and friends all waiting for him to get off the plane and how I was supposed to be there. My stomach got all twisted up and I felt kind of sick on the way home..I cried a little bit, and reflected on some of our past memories. I knew I had to see him again to know if JJ was the right one for me, or if I was still in love with missionary #1..So, even though I thought "#1" hated me, I received a text message from his brother's phone at 2 AM..two days after he got home..he asked if we could meet up. He came over and we talked, but not about anything about us. He was still way awkward. Long story short, I didn't KNOW the first time that I saw him..I had to be with him multiple times to know where my heart was. I knew that, now more than ever, I needed to stay close to the Spirit. So I prayed and prayed..The Lord didn't give me a thing! Until one night after I saw "#1", I was driving and a strong thought came to my mind, "Genny. You already know the answer..." "#1" was crushed when I told him how I felt about JJ..because he felt like he had a chance with me. It was hard for me because it was closing a huge chapter in my life--I was really freeing myself from him, and we were going down different paths. Do I regret it? HECK NO. Do I think I made the right choice? Nope. I KNOW I made the right choice. So, there's the short version of my crazy story.

My advice is simply this. If you find yourself in a situation similar to mine...follow your heart. Every time that I hung out with "#1", I compared him to JJ--I was always disappointed after I would see "#1" because I was like jj would never have acted like that..I was stuck in this cliche "I-want-this-happily-ever-after-high-school-sweethearts-together-for-years" love story..but, that didn't happen for me. I've made my own love story..I was trying to get "#1" to be my prince charming, when really..I wasn't his princess. So, if you're confused where your heart lies "look to where your mind wanders"..it was always JJ that I wanted. If they had been side by side, I would've ran to JJ's arms. & you know what, that's not what I wanted it to come down to. So I ended it when I did with "#1" and I felt a huge boulder lifted from my shoulders. Heavenly Father really knows what he is doing. Want to make Him laugh? try and make a plan. But seriously. If you don't wait for your missionary...its not the end of the world--I promise you! Not every girl who has a missionary magically transforms into Hailey Haugen or Cinderella--this is real life; keep that in mind, if you don't wait--its obviously because you have found someone better fitting for you. JJ came back into my life four months before "#1" came home--what if I would have fought against those feelings I had for him? I would've lost the best thing in my life...

Do you date?

Yes. I do. I date..a lot. I go on group dates, single dates. I'm too social to not. I like the attention way too much... to not. Let's be honest, who doesn't like getting dressed up, being told you're pretty, and getting a free dinner once in a while? For me, it makes time go by faster. The key thing is: Be honest with your feelings, and don't lead the poor guys on. That was my bad sometimes...when JJ first left, I kind of kept him a secret almost. I HATED when guys would find out, or I would casually bring it up and they would be like, "How long has he been out?" I'd be like..."four months" and what do you think they would say? "Oh you'll be married by the time he gets home." Just stupid stuff like that. Now, I usually bring it up on the first date..if a good opportunity arises..some cons to dating:
1. a lot of lonely nights when your roommates have boyfriends and all you have is ben & jerry
2. angry guys when you turn them down because of your missionary and they retaliate with stupid comments and suggestions about how to go about your love life.
3. guys who say they're better than your missionary. yea, they don't know him. dont worry about it.
4. confused emotions/feelings...
5. eh..that's all I can think of right now
Pros:
1. time goes by faster
2. you're living up these two years by growing and having fun experiences
3. you wont be anti-social when your boy comes home, you'll still know how to go on dates because lets be honest, after two years--the boy is gonna be EXTREMELY awkward at first.
4. you make new friends
5. free dinner

Now, I know that dating isn't for everyone. BUT, again..my blog. my advice. I would say to go on dates. I would say to flirt with other guys. I would say to get prettied up from time to time. Just do it. You wont get these years back. AND I can guarantee, its not going to change the way your missionary feels about you..they want you to be having fun and making new friends. If they were in your shoes, I can almost guarantee they would date around. Its natural. Trust me, you're okay.

Should you tell your missionary if you hold hands, cuddle, or kiss another guy?
HEAVENS NO! They've got enough things to worry about. Keep that stuff to yourself. They're busy baptizing people and reading their scriptures. If you feel like its something that needs to be brought up, wait until he gets home...even then, its not going to matter, he'll just be THRILLED you're available after two years instead of married and pregnant (unless your boyfriend hasn't learned anything whatsoever on his mission/is controlling..in that case, RUN!). You're here, he's there. Unless you're one of the few that is engaged to your missionary...hmmm, I don't even know what kind of advice to give those who are...just good luck I guess??

Are you going to go on a mission now that the age has changed?
As of right now, no. I'm not going to go on a mission just because JJ is on one and it will make the time go by faster. It is a serious decision. One that I feel many MG's are taking a little too lightly. Do it for the right reasons. Go on a mission for the Lord and for your spiritual growth. Pray about it. Fast about it.



Take it or leave it. :)

Fall Memories ;)

A year ago, this weekend, JJ and I met in Pocatello and drove to SLC to spend the weekend with his family and friends. I will never forget the look on his face when I met him in the parking lot in Pocatello. I ran up to him and gave him a huge hug, and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight(just like he always did ;)) as  I leaned back to look at him, there was something different about him.

The boy was glowing.
I distinctly remember thinking, "He looks so happy!"

That was the day JJ went through the temple. :)

I kept feeling his shoulders and saying, "That's not an undershirt anymore!!" He would just laugh because I kept commenting about it and how much I loved it.
I had never seen J like that before.

He told me how much he loved it, and how cool it was for his family to be there with him and his brother--& how he had never experienced such strong emotions before. Like, I said--he was G L O W I N G.

We talked the whole way to Salt Lake. That's something about JJ that I love. He's a talker. We can talk for hours without silence.

The weekend was flawless. We got to SLC that night and met up with some of his friends. Both of them played football with him at the U, both of them were married..it was fun to get their perspective about the whole "waiting thing"..one of his friends said, "hey if my wife could do it, you can!" hahaha..she was like, "Just keep yourself super busy. all the time." When they were giving the advice, I'm not going to lie, I felt a part of my heart was breaking..because it was all of a sudden becoming so surreal. JJ was leaving in two weeks. No more meeting up in Pocatello, visiting him at home, him coming to see me at school. . . .he was gone in fourteen short days. As I was thinking about all those thoughts, I looked at him..and just put my arms around him and hugged him tight...I know he knew what was going through my mind because he kissed my forehead and whispered in my ear, "I love you so much Genny."

That night, we went to a haunted house and we laughed more than we were scared. haha! I bulldozed over JJ a few times and he would say, "gen where are you going?!?!" haha..that's what I do when I'm scared; start running and bulldoze over anything in my way. After the haunted house, we got hot chocolate and then decided we were really tired so we went back to his aunt's house and called it a night.

The next morning, we woke up and had breakfast with his parents and then went to the store to get something. We were laughing the whole time at the store. After that, JJ had to pick something up in SLC at Deseret Book so we went there and then to temple square ;) It was so nice to walk around the temple with my boyfriend, hand-in-hand, so in love..I'll never foret that. After that, we went to a Utes game and ended up leaving early to get me back to school.

Its little memories like this that make me grateful for this journey. for JJ.
The wait is almost half way over, and we're still as much in love as we were before he left.
Its been fifty weeks now, and I'm proud to say that I have received 50 letters.
Some have been short, some long. Some come in packs of 2 or 3 when he doesn't have time to send them weekly..but, I know that I am so blessed that my sweetheart takes the time out of his busy week to tell me all about his mission and to let me know how much he loves me.

one step closer.