I love this blog because it's my journal.
I can look back at my posts and laugh, or cry, or smile. . .
It really has been such a fun thing to keep up over these past 22 months.
I'm going to be real honest, since a lot of times, I tend to hold back on my blog. . . . knowing that there are others reading it.
Its 2:08 AM. and I've just spent the last hour crying.
I'm terrified.
What if he comes home and doesn't have any interest in me?
What if things just aren't the same?
I feel so guilty for dating "Ken", sometimes it eats me alive..
I almost lost the one boy who "gets me". Who loves me for me. Who wants a forever with me.
You know, I think I just lost myself there for a bit. I fell into a trap of being lonely, and wanting to feel loved again. "Ken" hurt me, to be honest.
There are so many people who judge me. "You obviously didn't love JJ enough if you were willing to drop him for another guy." "Its just FUNNY that JJ is your plan A again. Just because things didn't work out with 'Ken'"...I am constantly justifying myself.
Gosh. Why did I do it? Why did Heavenly Father place "Ken" in my life? What was he supposed to teach me.
And then when I start to sit and think, I get glimpses. He wasn't very nice to you. He wasn't right for you. Even if JJ isn't the one, your eternal companion will love you in a way that Ken just couldn't.
I just want to say something right now. Loud and clear. I don't believe these last 22 months have been a waste at all. Even if JJ and I don't work out. . . I can seriously say that I don't regret a thing. I dated, I explored, I fell for someone new and it didn't work out, I met new friends, I got a college degree. . . JJ saved me from marrying the wrong man(Missionary #1). . .
But it hurts me when people judge my actions. It shouldn't but it does. But really. why wouldn't they? Here I am in a relationship with Ken, posting pictures of us. . . and then I'm broken up with him and back to posting pictures about JJ. . .of course people are going to be confused, of course they're going to think I'm silly.
If they only knew the "behind the scenes".
I'm just feeling broken right now, and worried, and . . . . .just anxious. two more little months.
Please PLEASE PLEASE. . .
Work out.
awww Genny I love reading about your life! Those people don't matter. Waiting is SOO hard, & people just don't know. I think you did everything right, & in no way is J.J. your fall guy. He sounds amazing & you both deserve each other! It'll all work out & it's been fun reading about your journey :)
ReplyDeleteWow, you're such an inspiration girlie! A lot of girls date while their boy is out, and end up falling for them. JJ is in NO way you're second choice or plan B or whatever else someone might have to say about it! You're amazing and keep up with being you! Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteHi dear,
ReplyDeleteSo I know you posted this like a while ago and you totally don't know me (I don't know you either) but let me tell you a small little story. I was in the exact same situation as you. My C was out on his mission and was the love of my life and that Ken came around and completely hurt me and I almost lost C over it. I was sitting in my car during my lunch break bawling my eyes out because I was sure that C was going to come home and be so upset and I had ruined everything. He came home and I debated about telling him everything. He knew some but not all that had gone on because I wanted him to focus on the rest of his mission. Finally we knew we were hiding things and talked about everything. It was the hardest thing in the world but the best thing too! Long story short.... We got married 6 months after his mission and are the happiest newlyweds in the world! Things happen and I thought the same things as you and people had the same responses to me. But in all honesty my "Ken" experience made me realize how much I really loved C and the way he treats me and because of that experience I love and appreciate him more than I did before his mission! Sorry for the novel, but I just wanted to give you a little glimpse of hope because I was honestly in your exact position at this exact time last year! It gets better! I hope the best for you and know its gonna work out by the way you talk! Good luck in the next month and just enjoy the journey! :)
-Sky
www.twosomethings.com
Thank you Sky!!! :)
ReplyDeleteThat was so sweet!!