Our home videos

https://vimeo.com/338396240

https://vimeo.com/335310540

polar.

sometimes its nothing at all.
    or at least it a p p e a r s that way.


sometimes its a moment of embarrassment or tense situation.
  most people having coping mechanisms for this;
                                                  I struggle.


It's sometimes a common trigger, a defensiveness I didn't know was burrowed inside me.
                         or maybe its even the weather, a little gloomy or dark.
                                                                         sometimes its a sunny day, even.


maybe
maybe
that's why.
that's why it's called bipolar,

because you can't put your damn thumb o n  i t &
         it just strikes at the most inopportune times.

shakes me to the core.
                                   sends me into the fetal position.
                                   a trance, a look into the distance I can't break.



I lose myself sometimes. I lose my boys.
I lose my touch with reality.


& then there are my A N G E L S.
                           my mom.
                           my husband.
                           my doctor.

The ones that never stop calling or caring.


Individuals who struggle with bipolar are creative pupils, with these hidden talents that we can't even begin to uncover ourselves. We have so much potential to be these majestic creatures of the night and day. I'm tellin' ya, without this illness we would be untouchable.


How do I know? I know because bipolar is not for the faint of heart. We are literal warriors that somehow make it through our hardest days. Those days knock us under water and just when we are about to drown. . . .


                       we're gasping for air at the surface. and we smile. because that means we are a l i v e.

and I think that's pretty magnificent.

Bipolar thinks it has me figured out, but sometimes I surprise the both of us.

My brain is a beautiful, delicate, thing. And maybe that's what it was:

my mind was too perfect, so God gave me Bipolar. If that's the case, he better have saved me a seat up there with him when I get back there someday.


Here's to being a lotus. Here's to living a n o t h e r day. hour. by. hour.

The Birth Story of Bowin Robert Hyde

Oh my heavens, it's been so long since I've updated my blog. I used to write in this thing, religiously, and now I'm lucky if I make two posts a year. I feel so bad that I haven't kept up with posts about our little Bowin boy while he was in the womb. I have some letters I've written to him saved in my notes but haven't uploaded them to here yet--its on my to do list. In the meantime, here is the birth story of Bowin. So, originally his name was going to be spelled Bowen, but one day we were driving in the car and JJ said, "Oh my gosh, we should spell his name Bowin, as in WIN so that every time he writes his name he'll be reminded he's a winner." It was way too cute to argue with, so I agreed and that's how we got the spelling for our little Bo man. He already has so many nicknames: Big Bo, Bo, Bubba, B. He is also named after his paternal and maternal great grandfathers (Robert Hyde and Robert Schroeder)

OK, so here's the story.

My pregnancy with Bowin was super easy, no morning sickness in the first trimester, playing bball in the second trimester, and just stuffing my face with anything and everything I wanted. Then the third trimester came and it hit me like a trainwreck! I was having tons of pelvis issues, I started fainting again, and I was always tired. Initially, I was very anti- getting induced, but after hearing several different experiences from moms who had gotten induced-- I started feeling more comfortable with the idea. Then around 34 weeks, I went to get my blood drawn at the hospital and I passed out and landed directly on my stomach!! I like bounced off my stomach which was so scary, and my uterus was going nuts--I started having contractions. After that, the passing out happened more frequently just like it did with Carter. I wanted this baby out, and so I asked my OB if we could do an induction at 39 weeks, which worked out perfectly because JJ had a mandatory training for work the week of January 2nd (my due date was January 3rd)

So, Christmas rolled around and I was hoping I would spontaneously go into labor by myself but it never happened. I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions but none of them ever hurt, just mostly a lot of tightening.

The day finally came: Induction day. December 29th. I was stoked out of my mind. I didn't sleep a wink the night before. We checked in at 7 AM, and they got me hooked up to an IV and gave me a dose of sidetek to start the contractions. My cervix was posterior so it was very high and hard to find and I was only at a 2. The sidetek gave me contractions, none that I could actually feel--which meant my cervix wasn't dilating. So they gave me another round, same thing. My doctor came in to check me, and sure enough I was still a freakin' 2. So the Doctor asked if I wanted to insert a cervical balloon which would cause my cervix to dilate. I was hesitant at first because I just didn't like this idea of a "balloon" filled with water hanging out up there, it made me feel grossed out-- I didn't want to get sent home though, so I said okay and she started the process. Immediately, I started to feel crampy and the contractions were a little harder but still not painful--just more pressure was all.

The balloon would essentially fall out once I was dialed to 5 cm, my doctor was going to give the balloon 12 hours to do its job and if it didn't fall out, she would take it out and I would get sent home as a failed induction. Why was this? Well, my doctor didn't want to start me on pitocin if my cervix was unfavorable(aka not dilating), because that would push me right into a c-section most likely; so I am very grateful that she was mindful of that. So, the balloon was inserted at 5 PM which meant I had til 5 AM the next morning for it to work or we would be leaving the hospital.

Then came the waiting game. . . . . for hours, we tried everything; rocking my hips back and forth on my hands and knees on the bed, walking the unit, labor dancing, the yoga ball, etc. Still, the contractions didn't hurt and they were very inconsistent. A lady gave birth while we were walking the halls, she had checked in around the same time as me, and I could hear her crying tears of joy along with her family members. WOW I was so jealous, I couldn't keep the tears in any longer. I started weeping and my husband put his arm around me and said it would happen when it happens. They gave me visiral to try and sleep and not be so anxious but to be honest, I couldn't sleep. I said prayers that he would come that night and I wouldn't get sent home. Well, 5 AM rolled around (22 hours after I had checked into the hospital for my induction) and it was time for the big test. My doctor took out the balloon because it hadn't fallen out on its own (so I thought 'welp, we're going home!) and she checked my cervix and it hurt so bad--oh my gosh I was dying.

She said the words "the balloon did it's job, you're a 5!!" We were stoked. I asked the nurse if we could wait on the epidural AFTER starting pit so that I could at least feel some hard contractions. She came back in around 5:45 AM and said that the anesthesiologist had a caseload to do in another part of the hospital starting at 8 AM so if we didn't do it now we would have to wait....... well I didn't want contractions THAT BAD ha ha so I gave the green light to send him in before starting Pit.

JJ held onto me tightly as he did the epidural, honestly on a scale from 0-10, it hurt like a 3. MAYBE. It was over so quickly and it was so worth it to not have those contractions from hell that come with pitocin. Next step was to start Pit. At 11:15, my doctor broke my water and I was at a 7! By 12:18, I was at a 9 and by 12:50, it was time to start pushing. This labor and delivery was so different than Carter's. With Carter's, I couldn't even feel when to push and my legs were like jello, I couldn't feel anything. This time, I still didn't feel pain but I felt enough pressure to know when to push which I thought was perfect. I love pushing and giving birth, its the best. I delivered Bowin at 1:38 PM. There were a few things that shocked us, one being that he had blonde hair and eyebrows. Secondly, he was born at 39 weeks and 1 day and he was HUGE!!! 9 pounds, 6 oz. 22 1/4 inches long. We were not expecting that AT ALL! I thought he would maybe be 8 pounds, maybe.

Even though the process was long (over 30 hours), I loved being induced and I will be doing it again next time for sure. I loved that I could get an epidural any time I wanted to, I loved that I could plan when I was giving birth, etc. My recovery has been so much better this time around, I'm still really swollen but I didn't tear and I just needed a couple stitches for another thing that was just for cosmetic purposes. We stayed 2.5 days in the hospital after Bowin was born and it was perfect. It was fun spending new years' eve in the hospital with a bottle of sparkling cider and our little baby boy.

I loved having my mom and JJ in the room with me when I delivered, they are both so sweet and supportive and know all the right things to say and do when I'm in the zone. I love them both so much and it was awesome seeing JJ with his new son.

Time is a ticking time bomb. . . .

How in the heck is it almost June? Time has slipped away once again, and here I am behind on my blog.

I am in shock that Carter is almost 11 weeks old. I remember being pregnant with him and thinking that time was in slow motion and now I can't keep up with it. My little baby son is growing before my very eyes. He now smiles without prompt, he grasps his little toys, lifts his head up, follows you with his eyes, turns his head when he hears a sound-- it truly is incredible.

Box of donuts

Box of Donuts

Today as I was unpacking all of our things into our new little home, I started laughing randomly.

When I was 7 months pregnant, I had a strong craving: Krispy Kreme donuts, a dozen of them-- assorted flavors. It was a Saturday morning and my husband was totally on board.

I could not wait to get home and eat like 8 of them, but I decided not to open the box until we got home so I could eat them with milk. Priorities right? Well, as we were entering our neighborhood, my husband and I got into a heated argument. 7 months pregnant, and hormonal as all get out. I did something that I thought was 100% rational. . . Less than 2 feet away, I threw the box of donuts at him. I started sobbing, and as soon as we got home, I took the truck and drove to my mom's house.

I wasn't crying because I was sad about the argument, I was crying because I didn't get to eat the donuts. My poor husband, shocked, and still wearing his boot from a leg injury. . . Ended up stepping on two glazed donuts when in turn made him smell like maple syrup for days and also caused him to be the target of Dogs everywhere.

I got to my mom's house and cried about what JJ had said to me. She calmly listened and then asked, "& what was it that you said to him?" In my mind I was thinking, "no mom! You're on my side." But then, I came to a realization that I was not innocent and my reaction was inappropriate(though funny now) especially since I was partially to blame. She gave me a hug and told me to go home.

A funny story, that was completely irrational on my part and in the past. Our marriage isn't perfect, its far from it. We are best friends, but still. . .when you live with someone, you're bound to argue once in a while. AND IF YOU HEAR SOMEONE SAY THEY NEVER ARGUE WITH THEIR HUSBAND THEN THEY ARE EITHER LYING OR THEY ARE REALLY MISSING OUT ON THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MARRIAGE.

Last night, oh actually--scratch that, at 6 AM, I was so frustrated. Carter was wide awake, and had been since 4 AM. I had tried to wake up JJ to take him to change his diaper-- our nightly routine. I do the feeding, he does the changing. But my sweet, tired husband would not budge; he just continued to snore. "That's okay", I thought to myself, "he changes the diapers every night, I'll take this shift." So I changed Carter's diaper. .  oh, but that was not the end of the story. Little turkey was up for TWO HOURS. Finally, I got up out of bed angrily and LO AND BEHOLD, it woke up my husband. Instead of getting mad at my precious and innocent newborn son, I let JJ feel the wrath. Keep in mind, that both of us were half asleep but I committed the WORST sin. I told him to "shut up", something we had promised we would never say to each other in our marriage.

He said something back, and I tried to say sorry, and he shut me down hardcore. Well, of course I couldn't sleep. So after baby went to bed, I laid there. . .awake. until like 6:30.

Later in the morning, he came home from football and I didn't even glance at him. I asked him to hold Carter while I took a shower, still not looking at him. I'm sure he was rolling his eyes like 715 times. I turned on Pandora and "WE ARE NEVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER" was on full blast, instead of skipping it-- I let it play, I let it play loudly. I heard him say, "nice song choice, babe." with the hint of a snicker. After I got out of the shower, I got dressed, took my sweet (well deserved) time and then walked into the bedroom seeing my husband holding Carter in his arms. I kissed Carter on the head. . .

& all of the sudden, my husband was grabbing me by the chin and kissing me. Well, gee, how could I deny that? So I kissed him back and we said sorry.

It's the little memories like these, that make me step back and realize that I have a really great husband who puts up with a lot of my drama. He's caring, forgiving, and "NASCAR FAST" at changing diapers. A successful marriage takes TWO forgivers. Even when I'm prideful and stubborn, he melts my heart and makes me realize my faults. <3

As promised. . . my birth video :)

https://vimeo.com/159758234

Sorry it took so long to post, I've been a little preoccupied.

Today, Carter peed on daddy and I and then projectile diahrrea-ed on us. . . .

This parent thing is awesome, I will update more later.

Just you two, then?

Things sure have been busy around here with our newest addition, Carter. We are so happy, we love having a sweet little spirit in our home. We recently moved to a new house, well new for us. . . pretty sure its about 40 years old but we LOVE IT. It has so much charm, with the right amount of character. We are renting it for a year, while the owners are away on an LDS mission in Bolivia. We feel very blessed to be able to treat their home as if it is our own. We will be sad to leave, I'm sure.

Words cannot even begin to explain the love we have for our little Cub. Cub is his new nickname, that or baby son or love chunks. He weighs just over 10 pounds now, at 3 weeks old, and he is 22 inches long. He's going to be a "tall boy", in the words of our Pediatrician. We are pretty taken by him, and we think he we will keep him around. He usually falls asleep around 9 PM. . . but he wakes up for his last feeding around 11. He's out by midnight and he doesn't wake up until like 4 or 5 AM. He then goes to bed and is out until 8 AM. He is a good baby. We couldn't be happier with our little son. Daddy changes (almost) all the nightly diapers and I do the feeding.

The other day,  I looked at JJ and said, "look what we made together. look at how beautiful this small little human is." Our lives have forever changed, in even the simplest of ways. For example, last night I had to pick up something from the store. As we were leaving the car, JJ locked the car and started to walk away. We looked at each other and started to laugh-- he had forgotten Carter was in the backseat, sound asleep in his little carseat. It only took us 5 seconds to realize the mistake. Then came the challenge of finding a shopping cart that we could put his car seat in. We didn't find one, so JJ just carried around our 10 pound son so I could pick up something. 

Then, we decided, "enough of the freezer meals", lets go somewhere. So we took Carter to his very first restaurant. What better place than Wingers? This is where daddy used to work and where our relationship "budded" all over again when we happened to bump into one another. The waitress looked at us, and said, "Just you two, then?" I smiled, and said, "Yeah. . . well, I mean, us THREE."

Life is beautiful, despite the dirty diaper changes, the spit up, and the learning to be a really fast shower taker and entertainer. . :) We couldn't be more in love with our son.

March 15th, 2016 {The Birth of Carter Mckay Hyde}

March 14th, I was sitting in my mom's office at her home and we were casually chatting when I felt like my water had broken. No, it wasn't like in the movies, where it gushes out and seconds later the woman is having contractions. I went into the bathroom and assessed the situation, but decided to just keep an eye on it. Two hours later, I decided, "this is just weird, I think I need to get checked out." I woke my mom up, (she was sleeping because she had a shift at the hospital later that night--she is a labor and delivery nurse) and she said, "OK. I'm going to get into the shower and then we will go." JJ was at class and  I didn't want to bother him if this was really nothing.

We made our way to the hospital, and I was having contractions. . . . about 6-7 minutes apart. They weren't painful, just a lot of tightening and discomfort. They tested to see if it really was amniotic fluid, and my results came back negative yet I was still having contractions. I got a cervical exam and my cervix was still at a 2, 80% effaced and posterior. I was bummed when they sent us home.

I continued to have contractions 7-8 minutes apart. When my mom got home from her shift, she gave me a cervical exam. Yes, my mom gave me a cervical exam. In her bedroom. And the dog jumped on the bed. Ha!! SO AWKWARD, yet not. She attempted to strip my membranes but I was still posterior so it was really painful. From the time we had left the hospital that day, my husband and I had done everything from eating pineapple to spicy nachos, to speed walking to rubbing my ankles. . . anything we could to induce me into labor, because we felt that we were very close. The contractions continued coming every 8 minutes. . .

The next morning, I woke up at 8:30 AM, wincing and moaning. The contractions were now painful and I tracked them--they were now 5-6 minutes apart. I went to the bathroom and lost a huge chunk of my mucus plug. I was in such pain and I immediately got very nervous-- I threw up and my hubby ran down the stairs and said, "Teresa, she lost her bloody show." My mom said, "Okay, this is good news! This could mean baby." I put my hair up into a braid and put some makeup on and we got ready to go to the hospital; I breathed through the contractions as best as I could. . . I had no idea what was coming for me.

We arrived to the hospital, and we were so afraid we were going to get sent home again. My contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and they were stronger than the day prior. With each contraction, I panicked and JJ would grab my hand and look me in the eyes and tell me to focus on him. Every time I looked him in the eyes, I got a little more relaxed; I thought about the distance we endured for two years apart, the fact that we had been preparing for our wedding two years ago this very week, and I imagined him with our son and how special it would be. JJ and I walked the hallway and I got on the ball and swayed back and forth to try and open my cervix more. The nurse checked me twice, and FINALLY. . . after about 2 hours of anticipation and contractions that hurt, she said "OK, you're at a 3. we can admit you!" I was so happy, because I was ready for that epidural. I had two contractions on the way FROM the hospital room we were in, to the labor room.

Five seconds after we stepped foot into the labor room, A gush of warm fluid splashed to the floor as well as the rest of my mucus plug. I immediately got happy and said, "YES! We are having a baby!" The nurses and my mom and JJ laughed. The contractions got stronger but I at least could see light at the end of the tunnel.

I screamed, moaned, and even cussed a little bit (ughhh, don't hold me responsible!!) through the contractions. I was very vocal about my pain and a little bit rude too; yep, I was THAT girl. Well, in came the anesthesiologist and we were ready to rock n roll.

Back track a little. . . .The one thing I was MOST scared about was the IV. For months I obsessed about how painful it was going to be, and how much anxiety it was going to give me. Funny story, we waited until I was in the middle of a contraction and the IV did not phase me ONE BIT!!! I was too focused on the contraction. That needle was easy peasy compared to the contractions. I have no idea why I was so worried about it. . . probably because I had never experienced a contraction before. Like, a real legit one. It was unlike anything else in the world.

After the IV was in, and I had my first dose of antibiotics (I was tested GBS positive so it was vital that I had the antibiotics), it was time for the epidural. I had almost ripped my husband's shirt to threads, knocked my mom's glasses off twice, broke blood vessel's in my husband's hand, and head butted him like four times through the contractions. . . . ask me about my pain tolerance--I don't have any. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and gentle and made sure I was comfortable. It didn't HURT AT ALL!!! It was seriously the tiniest amount of pain. It took 15 minutes, and about 3 more contractions for it to set in.

This is so funny, ha ha-- my face after the epidural!! 

GUYS. I WAS IN HEAVEN. I cried happy tears, I was excited beyond words, I was laughing and having conversations with everyone around me, I just kept saying, "I'm so happy. I'm so grateful for epidurals. I'm so happy. I'm just so happy. I'm so relieved." I said this at least 754 times. I even took a little cat nap.

About four COMFORTABLE hours later (took full advantage of the medication given; anytime I felt discomfort, I pushed a button and it was gone. I didn't feel any contractions whatsoever.), , , my doctor came in. Turns out my water had not broken FULLY when my mucus plug came out; so my doctor broke it and I was now at an 8 and 100% effaced. I was shocked!! In fact, everyone was shocked! I decided to stop pushing my special button so that when the time came to push, I would feel the urge and my body would know what to do.

I gotta tell you about my doctor, what's awesome is she is my mom's very best friend. I also delivered at the same hospital where my mom is a labor & delivery nurse-- so I seriously felt like I was getting the VIP treatment. Also, another detail. . . postpartum rooms at the hospital ARE LEGIT--California king bed with the most comfortable sheets and the pillows. . . .oh the pillows.

Anyway, here's a picture of my adorable doctor. She is more like family to me, I call her my Aunt Julie.

At 8:30 PM, my doctor checked me again and I was complete. The blue tarp and the tools came out and it was time for me to start pushing. I could feel the pressure and my body WANTED to push. It was kind of like when you get the flu and your body just kind of heaves to throw up. . . my body wanted to push.  I get teary eyed writing this part because this was my most favorite part of being in labor. I LOVED PUSHING!!! My husband held one leg, my mom held the other and they were pumping me up. I felt like I was in the state championship basketball game; it was 4th quarter and it was time to compete with everything I had. My husband kept telling me I was amazing and kissing me on the forehead in between pushes. He looked at me like I've never seen anyone look at me before. I dug down deep and pushed through the pain. My doctor and mom said he had dark thick hair. I reached down and felt his squishy head. I wanted to see it too, so the nurse got a mirror and when I saw his head, I teared up big time and was overcome with a wave of emotion, I said, "OH MY GOSH- LETS DO THIS!!!!! I WANT HIM SO BAD!" About 4 pushes later, I could fill him slipping from my body (that was seriously so cool, unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life, I yelled, "oh my gosh, I feel him coming out!! I feel my baby!!"). . . I saw his head and shoulders and little arms when my doctor said, "You want to pull him out?" Without hesitation, I grabbed him under his armpits and I pulled him the rest of the way out. It was the coolest, most spiritual experience of my entire life. I have never felt stronger and more powerful; I felt brave and beautiful, I have never felt closer to my Father in Heaven. I put Carter on my chest, and I immediately started to sob, "I love you son. Oh my son, I love you so much. I love you my baby. Oh my sweet baby."  I only pushed for 50 minutes total. I delivered him at 9:26 PM. As I was enjoying my baby, I noticed my doctor frantically working away on sewing me up so I assumed I had a small tear. The entire time that I was pushing, I was being told that I was pushing correctly and doing awesome so I didn't think I had torn that much.

Well, little did I know. . . I had torn from the inside, and nowhere on the outside. And I was severely swollen. A couple hours later, I attempted to stand and blacked out. I was unconscious and shaking really bad, in turn the nurses thought I was seizing. I woke up to an oxygen mask and teary eyes from my husband. . . people were saying my name. I was in so much pain that I had just blacked out, I was also exhausted.

That's all I will touch on about the recovery process because it has been traumatic and I would rather forget about all together if possible. I was given a blessing the next day and I know that through the power of the priesthood that I WILL forget and that I will be only reminded of happy blissful memories from my delivery.

Look how cute little bug is!

Today, two days later, I am already feeling a lot better!! The swelling has gone down and I am able to walk on my own. . . it will get better and better, I know this.

This is the birth story of Carter in a nutshell. Of course I can't begin to express the emotions associated with his birth. . . and I'm going on about 2 hours of sleep but I am so happy. I will cherish this day forever. My sister is a talented videographer and she videoed the birth!! I will share on the blog as soon as she is finished.

Enjoy the pictures, we are so in love. He weighed 8 lbs. 15.1 ounces and he is 21 inches long.
He's our muscle man, and our little bundle of sweet cuddles and joy!!